I fall in love a lot. I travel by train every day. And I people watch. I don’t know whether or not everyone secretly looks at everyone else, or if it’s just me. But I like to look. I do like to watch people. And I don’t mean to, but I do, I do fall in love. It’s the way they close their eyes as the warmth of the sunlight filters through the carriage, or the battered, well loved book I see them secretly smell, or the fact that they keep their laptop in a battered old leather satchel. Last week I fell in love with someone because he had ridiculous shorts on. There was this guy, who did a silent punch in the air when he finished his Sudoku puzzle. And this other one, who just stared, stared into the dark, when all you could really see was the dirt on the dusty windows. I loved him because he didn’t need the time and place where we were to be clear for him to see what he was thinking. I don’t drive. I own a bicycle, but they’re not really up to the long distances are they? So I travel a lot by train. And fall in love daily. I imagine a hundred different futures. And hundred different whispered vows. I don’t think it’s weird. I can’t be the only one. I told a friend once. She laughed a bit but I think she thought I was weird. She asked me why I didn’t talk to any of them, and to be honest, I didn’t know what to say. “Well, I mean they never talk to me do they? And they’d probably think I was weird, wouldn’t they?” The truth was, it had never occurred to me.
Tag: Writing
Loss IV
I have a teddy bear. I know. I’m an adult, right? I have this bear. A ratty old thing. I think an aunty bought it for me at one point. Before I can remember. It’s knitted, made of wool, it’s got straggly arms, brown eyes and a little green knitted belt. I’ve had this bear for a very long time. Though don’t ask me how many times it’s been washed. When I was little my mum used to steal it off me, put it in the washer. Now I’m in charge it’s been a while since it’s been wet. It never used to smell right afterwards. Boyfriends came and boyfriends went, usually going a bit faster if they poked fun at the bear thing. I once dated a guy who had a security blanket. It smelt a bit weird. But the bear, yes. It has a name. It’s called ‘superted’. I’m not crazy, I don’t talk to it, that’s just it’s name. And it sits in the crook of my arm when I sleep, there’s a bit, just between my arm and my right breast. If it doesn’t sit there when I sleep it feels weird. Empty. My husband puts up with it. Sometimes I dream that I have two. Bears, not husbands. Those dreams are always distressing, because I don’t know which one is real, or how to divide my attention. You know, in that weird kind of dream logic. And then sometimes, I have these nightmares. Maybe my nightmares should be about losing my health, or the kids, or my husband cheating on me. But they’re not. They all revolve around this horrible moment when I find out my bear has been damaged or eaten or stolen or dissolved or torn beyond repair. And I feel everything fall away then. I have no anchor. And I wake up, and I can’t even find tears, it’s not like that. It’s like something from the very heart of me has gone, just for a moment. Like how my right arm feels when I have to sleep without it.