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Chris, Peter, Rajni, Kieran, Chris, Chris, Deirdre, John.

a picture of a beach

I wrote this after a weekend in Edinburgh which included some of the festival, but not too much. It features 3 different men by the name of Chris, 8 people who I know and 1 person I don’t. The two pieces of theatre described in it are (in order) Men in the Cities by Chris Goode, and Confirmation by Chris Thorpe. You should go see them if you’re in Edinburgh. You should also go swim in the sea. Not on a beach near Dunbar, though. Leave that one for Deirdre.

……………………………..

I am sobbing in time with a stranger
This stranger has long blonde wavy hair
more than twice the length of mine
his shirt a loose, cloudy blue
punctuated with flowers.
I just gasped and he just gasped
I am not looking at him but I know that he is sobbing
and I want to put my hand over his.

I am sobbing I am crying
I cannot put my finger exactly on why
I am crying the most I have ever cried
in a public building
and the mechanism that leveraged this from me
is not there
I cannot see it.
I am not crying because I am sad for a character or story,
I am crying in a way that has been processed more
directly by whatever we mean
when we press our palms to where our hearts are not.

I have an overwhelming urge
to place my hand over the hand of the man
next to me
which I imagine is clenched
but really, I cannot see.

……………………………..

I have just read a sentence in a book
which might have knocked the air out of my lungs
had I been breathing in
A historian who wasn’t there
reporting an ancient warrior
who probably never said it
but still the worlds stick
matted seed in the spaniel’s fur of history:

“They create a desert and call it peace”

……………………………..

I am arguing with a boy about neoliberalism
When I say ‘boy’ – this man is a year or two older than me,
but I say ‘boy’ because I am sexually interested in him.
We are discussing neoliberalism
in a nice cafe in Hackney
after swimming around a reservoir at 8am on a Sunday morning
and I cannot answer his question.
This is one of the best conversations I have had in a long time.
I am briefly sad he has a girlfriend,
before I rally to try and explain why
a desert is not desirable ‘peace’,
why violence and destruction is not necessarily the opposite of it.
But I’m also not sure it shouldn’t be.

……………………………..

We are in a maze.
This is not a metaphor.
There is a maze in Crystal Palace Park
and it seemed amusing to go in it
but now we are stuck,
and it’s less amusing.

I am wondering if you can view a schematic of it online.

……………………………..

We sit at the centre of the maze.
Rajni says to me that she is not certain,
But she says it certainly.

……………………………..

I am shaking in my seat

……………………………..

My friend Kieran is saying to me
gently and lovingly with the knowledge
of how it might hurt me
“all coppers are bastards”
And I want to find a place to agree with him
but the best I can do is
“I, too, am a bastard”

……………………………..

I finally understand the cultural boycott of Israeli-funded theatre
I think it is right
I also realise this means that to follow my logic
it is wrong for me to take money from our government.

……………………………..

I am excruciatingly ill
I have been for 3 days and there are 3 more to follow
I have not slept and right now whatever I am watching on Netflix
has achieved an almost psychedelic level of boredom

……………………………..

Chris’ blue eyes meet mine
and I realise I have never seen him
in anything remotely like a suit.
My friend Chris might as well be wearing the skin
of another man.

His blue eyes rest on me, momentarily.
He tells me
(and all the people I am sitting with)
about a conversation he had with a national socialist.
He is angry. He is really angry.
He is talking about confirmation bias
but I am not quite listening because I think I already know what that is.

I worry that I have been wrong, for 10 years
to believe that people are basically,
are basically,

……………………………..

I love him but I will not tell him,
Oh, another bus stop.
It is late and hot dusty
London air shifts around us.

……………………………..

The play is over and the lights are on
I am one of the last to leave the place where it happened
I give the man with the long hair a small smile
he looked back
but that is all that happened.

I buy a whisky

……………………………..

We are on the beach where Deirdre met John.
Last spring my friend John died
and last summer and this summer
Dierdre and I have travelled to this beach
near Dunbar
and swum in the sea.

The sky is a ragged grey
high where it is evaporating to blue
but it’s grey where it meets the sea
and the quality of the sun is like
old metal
it stretches out along the water to meet me.

We do handstands underwater
and laugh and
when we get out we are
cold
and
salt-water sticky.

……………………………..

I buy a whisky and write the words:

“I am sobbing in time with a stranger”.

 

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Edinburgh

Rose Street in Edinburgh

Rose Street in Edinburgh

Edinburgh’s a place, as well as shorthand for a big old festival. Edinburgh is a place where the population doubles in August each year. Where overdrafts go to be extended, where new bits of theatre, comedy, performance, dance and ideas go to be in front of people, where, this year, I went for 2 weeks. Here are some of the things I saw and did. And some of the things I wish I had. Trying to keep it short, in the small chance that anyone is reading this.

Cape Wrath 

A story told to you in a minibus outside Northern Stage at St. Stephen’s. In which I discover I am no good at puzzles, but I am BOSS at folding a map up. By Third Angel, performed by my very good friend Alex Kelly. He guides you genially and naturally through a journey he takes as his grandfather once did – from his home in the midlands (or Sheffield, for Alex) to Cape Wrath; proper, proper north. He tells you about the people he meets, read the letters his grandad sent home about the people he met. The things both of them see. It doesn’t sound extraordinary. It’s not. In the same way that no one is, and also in the way that we all, actually, are extraordinary. Every time a bus driver goes out of their way to drive someone to where they want to be, not just the bus stop. When you give a stranger from a different country a bit of chocolate because it’s their birthday and they can’t get through to their family. That kind of thing. I think I missed a small connection to it because I never really had strong relationship with a grandfather, but the rest of it’s all there.

Beats

Finally, finally caught Kieran Hurley’s Beats. It was loud. I wish I had brought my gig ear plugs. It was also brilliant. In particular I loved the characterisation of the mother character, the live VJ was amazing. It calls to a whole musical heritage that is completely missing from my life experience but it’s not really about that. It’s about being young, and old, and bored, and responsible, and not trusted, and not enough for the people who love you. Who you loved. Who you never made your peace with. It’s also about how stupid laws made by unthinking politicians throw people, just people – not good or bad, but both and neither of these things – into the path of one another. Onto a path that ends in collision. Brilliant, sympathetic writing.

Chalk Farm

By Julian Taudevin and Kieran Hurley. Performed in a venue with really really rubbish sight lines but so incandescent that you forgot you couldn’t see. The character that caught me most from Beats felt like she was expanded upon here. The relationship between a relatively young mother and her son. Ostensibly about the riots. Mostly about love, class, and how some of us will never be and do good enough by the standards of people who never tell us what the rules are. Astonishing performance from Julia in it, too.

There Has Possibly Been an Incident

I’ve seen various versions of this read by Chris Thorpe – it’s a play for 3 voices. Tracing 4 stories. The thoughts of a person in a crowd of a history-changing photograph. The thoughts of a revolutionary leader who seems to have found themself a despot. The thoughts of a man looking into the face of a plane crash. The speech of a murderer standing up for ‘Europe’. Hopefully not too many spoilers there. It’s tough. It’s tough. It’s the worst of us. It’s 2 stories of a loss of control and 2 of entire control, and you’re never sure which one – control or loss – each story is being in any one moment. Slippery. Tough. Humane. It shows process – shows each character’s working – it shows how we turn from one thing into another. Not bad and good guys, but people doing or trying to do good or bad things. And also how the ideas of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ shift underneath us. History, time, is a character. There’s hope in the end though. Like the hug of someone who’s just told you you’re being an utter dick. ‘You’re being an utter dick but I still love you’ this play says.

Running in the rain

I went for a 2 and half hour run. I went on a few other shorter ones but on a day where it properly properly rained I went for a run and got a bit lost and ended up at the sea and ran along a path that turned into a country park with trees and grass on one side of the path and the sea on the other and I found it disorienting and the rain was the best thing and I ended up very very thirsty and thought about my friend John when I saw raspberries on the side of the cycle path and remembered him telling me about crashing on a long run in Edinburgh and having to eat raspberries to get up and going again.

I Wish I Were Lonely

‘What do you mean I have to put my phone under my chair?’ I thought as everyone else followed this instruction and then they made me put it in the centre of the room in a circle with everyone else’s. A show where you leave your phone on. Where every call during the show is answered. This show was designed for me. This show was designed to change me. They didn’t know that. And as I saw it levelling up to do it I closed myself off. There’s a Terry Pratchett reference for this moment (there always is in my head) – where Granny Weatherwax catches a sword in Maskerade, without a scratch. ‘No witch can magic iron’ they say. And she can’t. She just saves up the injury and lets the wound happen when she has returned home. I had to do that. I had to box up everything it asked of my head and my heart and the way the internet weaves into these things for me and cover it, muffle it, until I have the space. I don’t right now. But a weekend is going into my diary now where I will turn off my phone and do all of the crying and thinking and resolution making that this show requires. It’s also raw and beautiful and re-reveals to you how our phones are little creatures in our lives. Humming and chirruping from a circle in the centre of the room.

Stand By for Tape Back Up

I put on an early version of this at Performance in the Pub and it was a real pleasure to see the full version. Ross Sutherland is charming in a shambolically, shimmeringly intelligent kind of way. The kind of mind that tends towards collapsing in on itself, an intelligence too heavy for a heart at times. A show-poem. Spoken word about the loss of Ross’ grandfather, an important person in his life, told to the backing of the video found on the last video tape he recorded to. Through loops of Fresh Prince, Ghostbusters, cricket and Crystal Maze Ross spins concentric rings around questions of life, death, living, and the things the people we love leave with us.

A trip to Glasgow

I went with 3 relative strangers on a trip to Glasgow to see Bonehouse play. It was really fun. It was a little bit like being at uni again where you make friends because you’re next to one another and then suddenly find out you’re having a brilliant time. Friends, now.

How to Occupy an Oil Rig

This is the show that people keep on talking about in the same breath as mine – understandable, it’s a show about protest at St. Stephens that admits that you’re all in the room together and is about the importance of hope and, in the end, stories we tell about a better world. It sounds the same. Very very different though. Charming performances. I liked the ‘author’ role Dan Bye played (himself, essentially), the staging was smart, lively, the performers Jack and Kathryn welcoming, open, funny. I loved the threads of a story rebelling against its writer, of the twist in the tale (no spoilers) about the other half of the romance, and the instructional format. I think these could all rise to the surface a bit more, even. I would be interested as to how this show would feel for someone who wasn’t a protestor.

Swimming in Loch Lomond

In memory of my friend John I did a marathon earlier this year. On August the 24th another friend of John, Verity Keniger, did the Great Scottish Swim for him – her first open water swim, 2 miles around Loch Lomond. I went with her. She did brilliantly, and raised lots of money for Snow Camp – snowboarding and skiing for kids who wouldn’t otherwise be able to afford it. Give her a bit more money here. For me, this was the best thing. I wish, wish, wish I could have stayed longer. Could do that swim every morning. I returned an OK time – 58:19, Think I could get it down to 55 minutes with a bit more of an instinct of how to pace it. It was beautiful. The water 16’c, clear, fresh, the bubbles from other people’s kick looking like tawny liquid resin. Every breath showing you surrounding hills and mountains, a shimmering sun, and high white cloud. This has solidified my intention to save enough money for a holiday in Scotland.

Meeting the friends and family of my friend John

How supportive, lovely, friendly, funny, inventive and intelligent all of these brilliant people were that I swam with in the loch and the sea, had lunch with or met even briefly speaks so fucking well of John. He is missed. I miss him. I feel incredibly privileged to have found friends in his.

The Bloody Great Border Ballad

At its best when it listened. When the people writing for it listened to what had gone before as well as the voice in their own head. When the voices in the room – even those whose turn it wasn’t to speak – were acknowledged by those with the good fortune to speak. Lorne Campbell set up a format for a conversation about Scottish independence – a space for ‘thinking and feeling’ and ‘improving the quality of our confusion’ about the subject – which consisted each night of two of 6 guest balladeers offering a 20 minute interpretation of a border ballad (some were actual poems, others songs, or comedy storytelling, or a game about a kingdom disunited by cuts, or an astrophysics lecture, or a series of letters between a Scottish person and All Their English Mates), then following that a ballad written in 1 minute verses added to each night by a different artist (I was verse 15) each following the next 5 years of the life of a foundling child set onto the River Tweed on the night of the dissolution of the act of union. Finally the audience and everyone onstage sings a song chosen for them by the previous night’s audience. On some nights it was a beautiful thing. On other nights I watched it hurt people on both (and no) sides of the debate. Sometimes through difficult questions. Sometimes through thoughtless assumptions and decisions. I also learnt a lot more about Scottish history and politics than I knew already. By which read ‘any’ Scottish history and politics. And noted a gap in my understanding. And am going to try and find some reading to do on it. Kieran Hurley’s already pointed me in a direction. Either way I made my best and favourite new friends as part of this process.

Forest Fringe.

I didn’t have the time or brainspace to see more of where I basically lived the first time I visited Edinburgh during the festival. This made me sad. The programme was brilliant – especially their efforts towards accessibility that other, much more rich venues and outputs don’t even consider.

Northern Stage at St. Stephen’s.

A family for 2 weeks. So thankful.

Home.

And now, home. Home to a home I don’t really feel yet. I’m writing this on the train back (severely delayed, you can blame the post length on that if you like). Maybe today will be the day I get off at Hither Green and think ‘oh, yes, this, actually’. But either way I need to find some Autumn. Autumn is my favourite season. All cold mornings and red trees and blackberry and apple crumble. All bonfires and new stationary and my birthday. Autumn makes me prone to falling in love. It makes me seek hilltops and clean air, and really glad of a good jumper. I think there’s some optimism there, so that’s nice. And also quite a few exciting new projects. Here’s to that.