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A mixtape of 2013

A picture of a pub in New Cross with a red neon sign that reads 'take courage'

This is not a best of list. This is a series of fragments; songs released this year that have thickened with meaning. Songs I’ll hear and almost be able to taste the air of certain moments. An attempt to mark that particular, peculiar thing that music does – shifting and growing with meaning as time goes on. A mixtape of The Year I Moved To London – 2013.

1. Cat Fantastic
This song is two moments in 2013. The first moment is a gig on the 20th of January. In early January I wrote a review of 13.0.0.0.0 by TTNG – I loved it, and had travelled to the OBL in Shoreditch for the release show (this is pre-London, though at this gig I start saying out loud ‘I might move to London you know’). I may have spelled the title wrong in the review BUT WHATEVS. It’s a smart album. And I especially loved the burgeoning political awareness Henry was bringing to the band. I’m not good at music, I am good at words; my reviews tend to be lyrically-focussed and I think this was a bit of a relief for Henry, who probably gets a bit bored of people asking about tunings and time signatures. He sent me a really lovely thank you message, and dedicated this song to me at the show. That’s roughly the first time I’d properly smiled for a weeks or two, because my year had started with a break up – on the 6th of January.

My second moment is swimming in Ironmonger Row Baths, March or April, just after I moved. My pervading memory of that time is of being tired. People don’t tell you about how much travel eats your time in London. I was getting up at 6am, getting on a train (I hadn’t got the confidence to cycle yet) at 6:40, nearly passing out in the crowd, walking from London Bridge to Old Street to avoid the Northern Line, swimming for 80 minutes, and then into work for 10am. Then a gig in the evening usually. Get in about midnight if I was lucky. London added about 4 hours of travel into my day. I like cooking but had to keep eating on the go. I missed time to do proper exercise. And the break up, 3-4 months later, turned out to be one of those slow burn ones that don’t give up. I remember listening to this as I swum up and down at Ironmonger Row (waterproof mp3 players, they’re an imperfect science, but functional) and forcing myself to swim harder with stupid bargains. “If you pull as hard as you can in this sprint, maybe he’ll change his mind”. I can’t really listen to this album anymore.

2. Adventure Gun
Another album I reviewed – I don’t have the time to connect with records like this (in reviewing, I mean) at the moment, and I miss that. Another smart as hell record – Adventure Gun is a collection of beautiful noises crushed together with mundane inarticulacy. And, man, they really smash it live. This moment is another release show. This time in Farringdon, not far from work, for a change. This is a funny memory from the perspective of now. I have dinner with the (mostly) ex, catch up, and walk to the gig, someone pulls up next to us on their road bike, and then another guy arrives on a nice blue single speed – they’re mates of ex. I’m cycling by now, and am walking my bike up to lock it. I think I buy those two a drink. I don’t really remember what I thought of them, but in about half a year I’ll start hanging out with them all the time. Olympians play Home is Where Your Heart Breaks, and I stand next to the ex, who half looks at me because this, somehow, has become the song of our (at that moment) 6 month-long break up. He walks me home. Inadvisably.

3. Making friends
I love that we get to carry on making friends as adults. It’s a weird/trite observation but it always feels like a bit of a gift when you find a new one. I particularly like how making friends with people who make music I already like shifts how I listen to it. Jamie from yntl is one of my fave new friends from 2013, and it was a sad privilege to see his band play their unassumingly ill-announced last gig in Manchester this Autumn. I like all 3 of the yntl boys loads. They’re 3 of my favourite people, and deserve to be much happier than their music makes them sound. I started a label with Jamie this year. I need to get better at it, there’s a lot of learning to do. We’re hoping to put out new things in the new year though.

4. Delta Sleep
In May my friend John died. If you follow me or the things I write you’ll likely have seen something about that this year. I ran a trail marathon in his memory on the 7th of July. That was a tough run. It was the hottest day of the year, and it was basically across a mountain or two. Exposed, rocky terrain. I did it though. Around about the last 10k I sort of began to imagine John, running just ahead of me, beckoning me on. I had to push those thoughts back though because I needed to breathe, not cry. I got to the finish line and gathered the energy for a sprint. I finished. As soon as I stopped my knee seized up entirely. So I limped the 10m from the finish line into Coniston lake. The water was cold and alive and brilliant and I had to force back the desire to dive in as I didn’t know if I could get out again with my knee. I stood, and I looked out, and it came back. It laid on me and I cried. I scooped water onto my face and cried. The Delta Sleep album was the one I listened to on repeat the week I heard about John’s accident. In the moments after. If muffled the sound of grief for a bit.

5. Not watching a gig at the Windmill
This is the week, 7 months after moving to London, I suddenly begin to feel like I have a bit of a home in it. I willingly miss a band I’d like to see because I’m having a good time chatting out back with people who are becoming less familiar faces, and more like friends. Later that week I go away, and am pleased to be back. A couple of days before that gig I go on a long bike ride and have a really good evening playing mariokart. After this gig, on the bus home, the now 9-month-long break up finishes. We begin to negotiate ‘friends’. It will be difficult, but by Christmas, we’ll have managed it.

6.Missing Nottingham
The friendships and community around ace music I’m beginning to find a place in make me a little sad for the beginning of that which I was feeling in Nottingham. Nowhere in London is as good as J. T. Soar. Because nowhere needs to be – you can always go somewhere else. J. T. Soar is a DIY venue run by a load of musicians, they put on ace shows for not much money, they feed their musicians ace vegan food and look after them really carefully, you can record there, you can go to film nights and record fairs there. Everyone is ace. I’m a bit sad I don’t have an opportunity to be a part of that like I might have. This song is a song Nick (in two Notts bands, and a big part of J. T. Soar) posted. I love Nick’s music tastes. Also he’s the BEST GUY. That’s the thing basically everyone tells you when you mention him, “that guy is the BEST GUY”, they say.

7. Peace.
This piece of music is mine. My own finding. Not connected to a memory of anyone else, just a sense of peace. I found a good swimming pool. I listen to this on the bus on the way back from a good, exhausting 5k. I wish it wasn’t so far away, but it’s nice to have the space afterwards to fill with this. Beginning to really like the South East of London.

8. Learning spoken word
In November I start making music. This is a ridiculous idea, and should not be allowed, but apparently it happens. I get funding for, and start to make a new show called Songs For Breaking Britain. Which is a collaboration between me and two punk musicians. We collect stories from people in the street, and then make punk songs out of what people tell us makes them happy, angry, sad, what they think, where they’re from, how they feel about those things. My part in it is not really musical, but I write lyrics, and perform the first version of 3 songs for a few work in progress performances (3 more weeks of work to come in the New Year). I have to learn to listen well enough to do things in time. I even begin to sort of half sing half scream a chorus. I’m proud of the lyrics I write. I do a fuck ton of learning. It feels brilliant. I love performing like this. This song is one of the ones on repeat to listen to how people bring spoken word and music together.

9. New horizons

New music almost-friends begin to add me into new groups on Facebook, the one I value most is UK DIY and Experimental Pop which is hella interesting, and really good for me. I have very specific knowledge about music, and this group (or more truthfully, these almost-friends) begin to widen it. I love Son Lux, I would probably have never discovered it.

10. Nick and Tom playing Christmas songs on guitar and trumpet heard from the next room as I make mince pies. Mistakes and laughter and a form of human ingenuity which is a total and complete mystery to me. Cautiously happy.

Happy 2013. Here’s to the New Year. And to music.

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Towards hope, new conversations, carrying on.

Yesterday I gave a talk to a group of City University students. I was invited to talk to the cultural studies course members by Dr Dave O’Brien about 3 things; firstly my thoughts on (not) digital theatre (in that I think digital artefacts and infrastructure are much less interesting than the changes wrought on us and our society and how interesting (and in my interests, interactive) art can interrogate that), the second: my work as a practitioner, and finally: existing in the arts as a human who has to eat, wear clothes, travel places, live under a roof, sleep in a bed, generally.

I’m pretty good at the first two. I’ve got a PhD in the first, and the second is going OK, I’m not ‘mid career’ yet, but I’m 29 years old and for the past 2 years I’ve been earning the majority of my money from freelance work in The Arts. For 3 years before that I did work for nominal bits of money (£50, £100) and expenses covered. For the 10 years prior to that I wrote and made and played and tested and produced poems and plays and soundwalks and opinions for ‘free’.

After the lecture a student came up to me, having been late and missed the bit about my practice (it was a 9am Wednesday lecture) and said ‘so what it is it you actually do?’

This answer always begins with a pause, and then I pick some of the following things: “I am…. a theatre maker, producer, event putter-onner, consultant in areas digital and game-y, creative producer, project manager of large scale digital projects, board member, game designer, lecturer, researcher, co-founder of a record label, evaluator, speaker.”

 She stared at me for a second and said “how old are you?”

And there was something else in her eyes

“I’m 29… Are you ok?”

 “Yeah, it’s just, it’s just a little overwhelming”

When I was chatting to Dave about how to make the lecture useful, he explained to me that these students – because of how funding is shifting away from arts and humanities in universities – are increasingly made up of very well off young people, much more international than before. Those, in short, who can afford to aspire to a career in the arts

In the lecture, the third part I showed the class 2 excepts from 2 blog posts, from Bryony Kimmings and Andy Field about a conversation that has bubbled up in recent days on how little artists are paid.

Bryony Kimmings is not a common example. She is extraordinarily successful. And astonished me when she described £75 nights out (I spent £11.50 last night, and £5 of that was the ticket) – but what you decide to do with your money is entirely up to you. I wouldn’t flinch on spending that on a new triathlon suit or replacing the headset on my bike, that’s priorities, they differ. They balked when they saw her figures.

Then I showed them a screenshot of the headline figures from my last year’s accounts. Here’s that.

Cursor_and_Draft_accounts_2011-12.pdf__page_4_of_7_-2

This year’s are likely to be more ‘profit’, but the more work that I am getting is because I moved to London – so my living standards have taken a big hit, I’m probably worse off and instead of a small terrace all to myself, I have a room in a shared house in South East London. There’s no lounge, and I just had to wrap my printer in a plastic bag and gaffa it shut and put it in the garden because I found 2 cockroaches living in it. (Alright, I didn’t HAVE to do that, but apparently that was my reaction). I can’t afford room for a desk. I recently got a chair I sit in to work from which is nicer than sitting on the bed.

I am tired. I am living on about £900 per month in a city that eats money. I work 6 days a week most weeks. I only this year took my first week’s holiday (I went to visit friends in Scotland and Manchester). I am angry. I am tired. There are better ways.

These were the things I told the class, through showing them those things:

Let go of the idea you will ever ‘just’ make art

Let go of the idea you will earn a middle class living

“Do you think it will have changed, do you think it will have got better by the time I graduate”

“How old are you?”

“20”

“Honestly? No.”

I didn’t go there to break young people.

So I also told her to remember how lucky we are if we make a kind of art that is acceptable to funders at all (cf. the difficulties of Hide&Seek, the complete lack of funding for exciting, vital new forms of culture such as independent video games, and the entirely expect loss-making activities of many internationally touring bands I know and love). I told her to remember to love what she does. To acknowledge that it’s much easier to feel the scared and overwhelmed, but to know in those big empty spaces which feel difficult to hold open are ripe for filling with whatever you want to. It won’t be predictable. It will be difficult. It shouldn’t be in some ways, and in others that slippery, sticky difficulty is precisely what making a thing is. Why it’s good. Don’t be desperate, be angry. I told her to get political. I told her to remember to love herself and not lose herself to what she does. Remember to enjoy it, especially when it’s easier to feel the other things.

Alan Lane published a brilliant post today about how HUB and Slung Low operate. I have so much respect and love for the way that they work. And think, despite it being true that that way of working can’t work for everyone there is so much to learn from it – not least that you can do something different – find your own model. I talked in the lecture about alternative models for funding. I dismissed crowd funding, as I typically do, as misused, lazy, and problematic in most examples I seen of it used in the (subsidised) arts sector. But I did talk about HUB, even before that blog post. I talked about pay what you can which I experimented with in Performance in the Pub. I talked, as Alan and Porl know, about how the most important things about a pay what you can model of supporting events is the conversation, saying ‘this space is different, that’s ok, let’s find a way to work out how we behave here’. I posted print outs of the cost of each event, I divided it by capacity and posted a ‘break even’ donation figure. My donation average was never under that. Some people didn’t pay at all. They saw some performance they would not have otherwise seen. That’s ok. That’s still a win in my book.

I think pay-what-you-can is a conversation every venue can have.
Just by creating a new space.
You do that by saying ‘this is different’
You use new language
You don’t say ‘donation’ if possible, because that always sounds supplementary
You tell people how much it cost in time and money and bodies to make a thing
You explain it’s ok if you can’t afford more than £2
You ask them how much the song that saved their life is
You tell them you’re not going to patronise them with pricing to show worth (as opposed to cost – i.e., ‘we can’t lower our prices, we want to be seen on a par with the Playhouse!’)
You say ‘what was this worth?’
Money is not the only economy. What we’re talking about here is value. Solid research suggests that you can create money “downstream” in creative ecologies by holding open a space to talk about other values.
You have to talk, though, directly and openly.
To everyone involved.
Not through a marketing department. Or rather, not in marketing. But in conversation.
You stand on the stage.
You stop being an institution. What use are institutions in conversations?
You are a person, and you hold open a new space.
I think every publicly subsidised venue should have 1 pay-what-you-can performance each week. I think certain post-code areas, ages, and income groups should have priority booking.
I think you solve the problem of people who can afford to pay seizing on it as ‘something on the cheap’ by asking them to be decent.
This is also what I am trying to do in Thisison – the app I am producing and researching for Albow – making a space for this conversation in digital spheres, making it cash-less and mobile. Encoding a conversation about value in user flows and interaction

I really really wanted to give that 20 year old student – and the others – enough hope and realism to continue to make in the existing, and enough anger and energy to think about breaking this system, making and playing with new ones.

The last slide I posted in the discussion said the following two things – about (not) digital theatre, and about being a part of The Arts, as a maker:

Listen. Be open. Challenge.

Pull language apart and look for meaning.

“If we don’t talk to each other, then we end up with nothing. And there’ll be a whole load of empty buildings with no art to fill them.”

That second bit is from Andy’s blog. To it I would add ‘and no audiences’.

Why the fuck should I expect to work outside the conventional employment system and still expect living standards of people who give their time over to that system?

That the system punishes you for stepping outside that system is HOW IT REMAINS THE SYSTEM.

So, here’s to Bryony. Who was angry, and said so, revealing the kind of income details people (especially nice, working class people) are not supposed be open about.

Here’s to Andy, who made practical suggestions.

Here’s to Alan, who runs things differently. Who pays everyone a flat median wage and open up his space with others for others and other economies.

Here’s to all of us. Chipping away at the system.

Advice that I repeat to myself when I feel it’s all to heavy: Carry on. Remember to enjoy it. Remember to love yourself and those you ask to work with you, and see the things you do. Feel angry, feel lucky. Listen. Be open. Challenge. Pull expectations apart and look for new ways of thinking.

Here’s to that.

Further reading:

Bryony’s post: http://thebryonykimmings.tumblr.com/post/67660917680/you-show-me-yours
Andy’s response: http://andytfield.wordpress.com/2013/11/24/transparency/
Blast Theory talk about being a company: http://www.blasttheory.co.uk/cash-money/
Alan on Slung Low’s way of working: http://alanlaneblog.wordpress.com/2013/11/28/blog-post-transparency-money-and-being-the-theatre-company-we-want-to-be/
Money, Love and Attention, more from me on economies of value: http://www.albow.com/money-love-and-attention/
Performance in the pub, a year in, including spreadsheets of all my costs and losses: http://www.hannahnicklin.com/2013/01/happy-birthday-performance-in-the-pub/